try again tomorrow.

Today’s a bad day.

For the most part, quarantine has meant finding projects, baking an insane amount of banana bread [alongside the rest of instagram] and taking long walks.

No, that’s a lie.
Truth Moment: For a while in the first week I completely avoided the ‘Outside’ and resisted the advice to take my government-mandated walks. I was inundated with fear, overwhelmed with anxiety of the unknown risks, plagued with worry about the tingle in my throat, the level of risk ‘in the air’.

It was all too much. So where pre-COVID I couldn’t bear to be indoors for more than 24 hours at a time, I now found myself developing what felt like minute-agoraphobia in this current COVID-19 world. I did a huge shop, disinfected every surface within sight and made my home my castle. There wasn’t a good enough reason to leave. No, I do not need sun, Vitamin-D or fresh air. All these essential factors were pushed to the back of my mind shrouded and nudged to the furthest corners by fear and anxiety.

I ordered books, homeware, hair products, anything to keep my mind occupied, and these projects were/are important more important than venturing ‘outside’.

Last week I did better, I went for walks , I obsessed over providing the best birthday (Quarantine Edition) for my sister and smiled and thanked all my couriers.
Yesterday I traversed my neighbourhood for over two hours and the air filled my lungs and the sun adorned my face. Glorious.

But today, was not a good day.

Extreme exhaustion has set in, possibly from all the nights of insomnia, possibly because (as I keep telling my sister) “there is a pandemic outside” and how does one sleep peacefully during such a time? I find myself withdrawn today, unable to come downstairs to socialise/ exchange words/ eat breakfast, lunch or dinner.

I’m disinterested by everything on TV, losing myself in a brand new book so fervently that I finished it within a day (normally I would be proud but currently it just reminds me of the lack of restriction on my time.)
I want to rearrange my bedroom furniture but the exhaustion is overpowering and where it stops the panic begins, so I nap.

I wake up to news alerts and new statistics that I’m usually more careful to screen, figures roll around my mind and I’m reminded (not that I could ever forget) of the gravity of this situation.

I think of the time lapse that has already occurred, from the birthday of one close friend at the end of March, to the birthday of my sister this Tuesday just gone (three weeks apart) where is the time going? Yet the clocks tick away so numbingly each day. How many more days till normality resumes. Normality ….

This is a question everyone is asking on social media: ‘What’s the first thing you’re going to do when this is over?’

I look at these posts admiring the positivity but triggered by the ambiguity – “I don’t know” I answer inwardly. Hurriedly scrolling past, my brows furrowed in inexplicable annoyance “my short term goal is just to get through today.”

So that’s exactly what I’ll do. Today was a bad day. I wasn’t productive my anxiety hovered over me like a deep grey cloud breaming and rumbling ready to burst.

However what I have to hold onto is the knowledge [and privilege] that I am well. So yes, today was a bad day …

… But I will try again tomorrow.

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