no i’m okay, i just love you

hands up if you’ve ever been in love …

now, hands up if it happened accidentally without intention or in the words of John Green;

“ [you] fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly and then all at once.”

I’m so sorry to quote a millennial novelist of a book-turned-viral-movie. If it’s any consolation he did say the quote was originally inspired by Hemingway – so that counts for something, right?!
ugh I digress.

the point was – I met a person (usually how it starts) that I had no intentions of meeting. It was pure happenstance and next thing you know – whoops! Emotions do that annoying thing where they self-activate with no warning or trigger. Feelings start percolating, twisting and jiving to a rhythm you have no stop-start control over.

you convince yourself that they’re just your friend; it -is -simply- friendship. Could never be anything more. It’s all too complicated and clearly you aren’t deserving of a unproblematic love story.

so why does your heart race, skip a beat and moonwalk each and every time you see their name flash up on your screen. Sure that’s normal for the first few months but it’s been over a year sis, why do the butterflies in your stomach all do the running man in perfect formation at the thought of seeing them or hearing their voice. That can’t be right – they’re just your friend.

11 hours have passed, three playlists have been curated and you still haven’t ran out of words to say. You shed tears, and laugh till you’re dizzy, ready to tell them every anecdote of your day. But you’re just friends.

you don’t need complications or heartbreak so you’ve cemented walls, cut ties and said your goodbyes. Tonight you’ll cry and maybe the next three nights too. Which is weird because you’re just frien-

birthday wishes, oldest secrets, favourite trilogies and bizarre phobias. You’ve exchanged them all and now that you no longer speak you’re experiencing phantom limb for someone you never knew existed 16 months ago …

what’s this aching sensation and why does this song and that song, oh yeah that other song too remind me of you. You were never mine. It was never confirmed, I never uttered the words out loud plus we’re just frie-

it’s been three months not a word but I have to acknowledge a certain milestone, it would feel strange not to. You thank me profusely and ask if I’m ok…

… I don’t reply. What can I say ? ‘Yeah, great happy as Larry. It’s just that I love you. No big deal. But how are you – how’s your mum?’

silly isn’t it considering nothing ever happened, and we were always just fr-

xo

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